"Dimitri gave Rose the ultimate choice. But she chose wrong…

After a long and heartbreaking journey to Dimitri’s birthplace in Siberia, Rose Hathaway has finally returned to St. Vladimir’s—and to her best friend, Lissa. It is nearly graduation, and the girls can’t wait for their real lives beyond the Academy’s iron gates to begin. But Rose’s heart still aches for Dimitri, and she knows he’s out there, somewhere.

She failed to kill him when she had the chance. And now her worst fears are about to come true— Dimitri has tasted her blood, and now he is hunting her. Only this time, he won’t rest until Rose joins him…forever."

Só para resumir: M-O-R-R-I!

Só em maio? maio??????? MAIO??????????????????????????
Vai pro inferno ter que esperar até lá pra ler essa bosta, que ódio!!!!!!!!!!

Uau, dei uma bela sumida novamente...mas cá estou eu, dando o ar da graça, para lhes dizer que estou viva.

Os dois ultimos meses foram...estranhos, por assim dizer. Basicamente porque muita coisa aconteceu em meros 60 dias, e também porque, ao mesmo tempo, tudo continua na mesma.
Comecei a escrever meu livro, e embora eu faça uma careta cada vez que menciono a palavra "livro", tenho que admitir que tem sido um trabalho interessante, simplesmente porque, estou me descobrindo. Eu não achei que fosse realmente capaz de desenvolver uma história tão longa e em tão pouco tempo. Em apenas 2 meses, escrevi 270 páginas...o que pra qualquer pessoal normal, soa como insanidade pura.
O sentimento é indescritivel, não há palavras suficientes para descrever o que eu sinto enquanto viajo em minhas histórias, é um extase.
Tudo tem sido um desafio para mim, até porque resolvi escrever o livro em inglês...é, eu sei, porque? I don't know...talvez por eu ter receio de me expor e eu sei que em ingles, nem todas as pessoas poderão ler...a parte interessante, é que tenho aprendido muitas palavras que eu ainda não conhecia, embora eu tenha certeza absoluta que se eu entregasse o manuscrito para alguem corrigir, haveria centenas de erros...
Estou me aproximando do final da historia, o que desperta uma ansia e angustia ao mesmo tempo, o receio do que virá depois, se irei publica-lo ou se irei guarda-lo no fundo de um armario. Eu vivo em eterna luta com meu lado auto-critico e isso dificulta muito minhas decisões. Eu acredito, constantemente, que ninguem se interesserá em ler o que escrevi, por ser algo bobo, sem graça, mas, felizmente, tenho amigos que têm me dado apoio e se não fossem por eles, eu provavelmente teria desistido antes mesmo de começar.

Deixando a parte dos sonhos de lado, eu ando vivendo uma fase de reclusa. Não sei porque, talvez por estar extremamente focada em alguns objetivos. Eu tenho passados noites e noites trancada em meu quarto, lendo e escrevendo...não necessariamente nessa ordem. No último mês, gastei um valor absurdo em livros e me apaixono cada vez mais por cada um dos que leio...eu sempre sofro da famosa "depressão pós livro", eu geralmente os leio numa rapidez inumana e, quando acabo, passo vários minutos sentada, tentando reorganizar meus pensamentos e aí, aquela sensação de vazio me inunda, costumo levar várias horas, as vezes até dias pra voltar ao normal, eu sei, I'm crazy.

Embora eu deteste calor, devo admitir que o dia está lindo, é gostoso olhar pela janela e ver um céu tão azul de arder os olhos.

Bom, voltarei ao meu transe...

Have a nice day.

I have been making some "plans", I'm not quite sure if I can call them plans or if they are just simple delusions that are popping up in my head because of my reflection exclusion.
Well, as I mentioned on the last post, I signed up for acting classes last thursday, the classes are going to start on August 8th, I don't know how it's going to be, but the worse is...I don't know how terrified I'm going to be...probably a lot, considering the fact that I'm an extremely shy person who hates social contact with anything that breathes - yes, I'm that bad - I can imagine me, sitting there for 4 hours...just observing...

* An "Off topic" add on *
This observing subject reminded me of something...it's quite amusing how I can actually read a person, not their mind or their future in a psychic way, but I can feel them very strongly...I mean...if someone is sad, I can feel her or his despair, I feel a knot in my throat just from looking at their faces; If a person is angry, I feel the urge to scream for them; If they're happy, I feel refreshed just by standing next to them.
I also have this sort of "ability" to feel the person's energy, if I'm talking to a person who is fake, bad intentioned, I can feel it almost instantly, I even say to my friends sometimes "Be careful with her, she is not a good person" and a few months after, bam...I was right.
I'm a teacher, thus, I have to deal with different people all the time - and their diversified energies - so, in some classes, the students are really great, I can feel their happiness just by looking into their eyes, I can see that they really want to be there and the class ends up being amazing, with lots of laughs, I feel so comfortable with them that it seems like I'm talking to an old friend and not a simple student...but, in some other classes, it's terrifying, the student's energy is so bad that I just can't have a normal conversation, I can't even look into their eyes, even though, I have the curiosity to know what I'm going to see if I just sneak, I feel a ball growing inside my stomach, so instead of laughing, talking and enjoying the class, I just open the book and focus on the teaching...
I don't really know if I can call this a gift, maybe I just got all this from observing people too much and to be honest, I really dislike it, because depending on the person's energy, I can feel really, really, REALLY bad sometimes...I think this might be one of the reasons why I'm always so depressed...I drain everybody's junk and keep it all to myself - I'm so selfish, aren't I? - Well, in a way I should be happy, I like vampires so much and, I'm actually one...but my killjoy psychologist said I must drop doing it, that this vampire needs to die...I kind of like it, but ok, I guess she is right, although, it's easier said than done.

Back to the real topic, another plan that I have is - hear the drum sounds - to write a book... - WHAT? - I know I might just be going through a weird phase right now in which I think I can do all of these things very easily, but why not trying? I also know that since my mood changes every second, I'll probably take my whole life to finish writing it, but I think it would be a rewarding experience for me, and who knows, maybe I'll find out I can be better at it than I expect....
I'm trying to take my "goals" more seriously this time though, I'm tired of always starting and abandoning things before I actually finish them (who knows me is aware that I don't finish things I start, ever), and I'm also tired of listening from people that I'm nothing but a dreamer, that I only plan and I never try to reach what I really want...so I guess it's just a personal challenge that I need to achieve.

The past few weeks have been rather strange, I don't exactly know why...I just forgot about the real world somehow, it's like I am a robot, without reactions, feelings, face expressions...as if I am out of my own body...it's hard to explain, it's just that I have been feeling different lately...I have been thinking a lot about my life and about how I live it and I realized I've been wasting too much time by NOT living it at all...

My psychologist once said I certainly have a big potential for something and that I need to figure out what it is...and for the past week, I have been trying to understand me...is there anything more difficult than trying to understand your own mind? I almost told her "Hey, I can understand my neighbor, my mother, my best friend, but not me, can you give me an easier task please?", but I guess it's time for me to face my own thoughts and have a heart-to-heart conversation with my unconscious...it's time to understand my mission in this world...
With all this thinking, I remembered that I always wanted to "act" but that I never gave a lot of attention to this wish, I always dreamed about having acting classes, about being in a stage with hundreds of people watching me, but for me, it was always just a teenager desire, so I let it go...but maybe, it wasn't just a teenager wish, maybe that is what I was supposed to be doing, so I decided that now I'm not going to ignore my "dream", I'll do it...I've already signed up for acting classes, a lot of people are thinking I'm crazy - like my mother - but I don't care, it's my life, not theirs, I should do what I like and not what they think I like...

Another thing I've always liked to do - besides reading - is to write, a few years ago I used to write constantly, I even had an attempt of writing a book and believe it or not, I managed to write about 40 pages of it, but...once again, I thought it was another "Teenager moment" so I ignored it as well and I ended up losing the book because I had to format my computer and I forgot to save the file before I did it, so I guess you can see how much credit I gave to my writing...and plus, I always hated - and still hate - the way I write, I think I'm a terrible writer in all possible ways and I always think people are gonna hate it the same way as I do...maybe this is one of the reasons why I never really showed anything that I wrote to other people (only to a couple), I always kept it as a secret...and whenever I decided to show it to a friend or a close person, I never thought they were being honest when they said "Wow, great"...I always thought that they were just sparing me from a bad comment, because they didn't want to hurt me...I know I'm too harsh with myself...that I'm a terrible self-critical person and bla bla bla, but I can't really help it, I think I'm the kind of person who prefers to hide instead of having to hear or read things that will hurt me somehow...so yes, maybe I always had the gift to write, to act...but my fears overcame my wishes, and I'm trying to come out of the cocoon now, but I think no one knows how hard it can really be...it's an endless fight...

Just to win tonight's battle with my alter-ego, I'll post another poem that I wrote 8 years ago:

O Suicídio - 22/10/2001

"Porque será que está tudo tão obscuro?
Tento falar e ninguém parece me escutar
Ouço um pranto, seguido de um brado
Tento perguntar o que está acontecendo
Mas sinto apenas meus sentidos desaparecendo

As vozes começaram a parecer cada vez mais distantes
E de repente tudo ficou silencioso
Não sei quanto tempo se passou
Mas em um lugar estranho meu corpo ou alma despertou
O mesmo era trevoso, deserto, senti um grande temor.

Ergui-me de um rochoso e quente solo
Senti uma dor indescritível em meu braço
Ao fitá-lo, notei um imenso corte
Mas segui caminho e procurei continuar forte

O lugar parecia morto e suplício
Não havia nada além de mim e do medo
O que está acontecendo?
Será que estou sonhando? Será um pesadelo?

Ao continuar andando
Senti mãos me puxando
Me horrorizei ao ver aquilo e gritos não contive em dar
Mas de nada meu temor pareceu adiantar

Corri desesperadamente
E ao notar que estava distante daquelas horrendas criaturas
Joguei-me ao chão e não hesitei e lagrimas derramar.

Comecei a refletir nos fatos
E à uma conclusão cheguei,
Que estou no inferno
Porque me suicidei."

 Robert Pattinson - Let me sign

Eu sou simplesmente fascinada, apaixonada, maravilhada, obcecada por historias de vampiros. Demorou, mas finalmente resolvi ler a série de Crepúsculo e, nem eu acredito que consegui ler mais de 1500 paginas em 5 dias.
Enquanto lia os livros, eu ficava relembrando do meu passado "dark", até senti uma leve saudade das festas, das roupas, das pessoas palidas, sedutoras, da morbidez, da minha depressao aparente e como eu a expunha no papel...aí, num ímpeto, resolvi resgatar um antigo caderno no qual eu escrevia milhares de "poemas"...poemas de 8, 9, 10 anos atrás...enquanto os relia, eu ria, chorava, fechava os olhos por vários segundos, visualizando vários fragmentos daquela época - que saudade - mas uma coisa admito, sempre vou ter um lado "sombrio" dentro de mim, talvez por isso eu admire tanto essas histórias do mal...quem sabe?

14/03/2000 - As Noites no Jazigo - by Me!

"Estar sozinha em um cemitério
Em noite de lua cheia
Faz com que eu queira me despir inteira
Sentada em um jazigo
Sinto um imenso vazio

Algo fez com que eu me arrepiasse
E meu sangue esfriasse,
Seria algum ser antropofágico
Ou apenas algo mágico?

O silêncio toma conta do pequeno jazigo,
Com exceção do vento na calada da noite
De repente, sinto algo pontudo como uma foice
Sinto vontade de gritar
Mas certa imagem fez me calar.

Algo me tocou e muito sangue jorrou
Em instantes senti tudo escurecendo
Não era a noite, mas sim meu corpo morrendo

Ouvi alguém gargalhando
Enquanto sentia meu sangue se espalhando,
Tentei pedir para me socorrer
Mas como me ajudaria se foi ele quem me fez "morrer"?

Horas se passaram,
Continuei imóvel no chão do pequeno jazigo,
Senti a claridade da luz solar
Mas era como se meus olhos estivessem amarrados
E não conseguissem se soltar

Novamente a noite chegou
Porém, senti que minha vida acabara,
No silêncio noturno, senti alguém se aproximar
Mas era em vão tentar me comunicar
Então apenas minha morte resolvi aguardar.

Dias se passaram
E em mais uma noite fria
Gargalhadas eu ouvia
E de repente um silêncio tomou conta do jazigo

Faço muita força e finalmente abro os olhos
Mal consigo ver
Mas alguma coisa tenho que fazer
Senti um vulto se aproximando,
E com os braços me segurou
Em meus lábios algo colocou.

Voltei a enxergar
E um grito não contive em dar
Ao ver sangue em minha boca
E a mesma imagem de noites passadas
Estava em minha frente
Só que desta vez apenas sorridente.

Tentei perguntar o que estava acontecendo,
Mas com os dedos o mesmo solicitou silêncio
Vi cortes em seus braços
E sangue tomava conta de muito espaço
Num impulso, não consegui me segurar
A ele ataquei para seu sangue tomar

Alguns dizem que sou um ser antropofágico
Mas na verdade sou apenas algo mágico,
ficou curioso em saber como sou fisicamente?
Venha neste jazigo que prometo mostra-lhe meus dentes!"

É dificil dizer como ou quem seria nosso "par ideal"...

Eu acho que sou uma pessoa complicada, mais exigente do que deveria na maioria das vezes mas, acredito que todos somos, alguns mais, outros menos e, como diria minha querida mamãe: "Filha, seja menos seletiva, senão ficará pra terra comer", eu de fato tento, mas na prática...é muito mais complicado, talvez pq no fundo eu que complique...quem sabe?
Hoje conversando com minha amiga, discutiamos a respeito do meu "homem ideal" e, em promessa a ela, descreverei aqui, como seria meu principe encantado.

A principio, my "prince charming" deveria ser:

Alguem que fosse ao menos um pouco diferente de mim, levando em conta que sou muito timida; 
Alguém que seja extrovertido;
Alguem que me faria fazer coisas loucas (as vezes), coisas que eu jamais faria sozinha, que fizesse o meu "verdadeiro eu" vir a tona, when necessary.
Alguem que aceitasse ir a um show HORRIVEL só pq eu gosto e que aproveitaria a noite sem fazer cara feia.
Alguem que respeitasse minha necessidade de silencio;
Alguem que fosse mexer no computador enquanto eu quisesse ler um livro ou que fosse assistir TV na sala só pra não me interromper com o barulho dos gritos de gol de um jogo de futebol
Alguem que conseguisse acompanhar minhas impulsividades;
Alguem que aceite meu convite repentino para viajar pra um lugar totalmente diferente no fim de semana. Alguem que me motive a ir atras do que eu desejo;
Alguem que não goste de mesmices;
Alguem que goste de surpresas;
Alguem com quem eu possa conversar sobre tudo sem medo do que vou ouvir;
Alguem que não seja previsivel;
Alguem que seja romantico e carinhoso mas que me mande calar a boca quando necessário;
Alguem para quem eu pudesse ligar as 2 da madrugada por estar triste;
Alguem que jogue video game comigo em um domingo chuvoso;
Alguem que assista um filme de terror comigo e ria ao me ver escondendo o rosto de medo;
Alguem que me abrace ao me ver chorar depois de um filme triste;
Alguem que me beije e me faça desmonorar;
Alguem que consiga e gosta de acompanhar minhas "maluquices" em um quarto;
Alguem que não se importa de fazer certas coisas em lugares inapropriados;
Alguem que faça eu me sentir protegida;
Alguem que goste de sair pra lugares diferentes;
Alguem que goste de ir a um restaurante de vez em quando;
Alguem que não ache estranho o fato de eu sempre soltar alguma palavra em ingles sem necessidade;
Alguem que me ouça reclamar sem se irritar;
Alguem que ria comigo e não de mim;
Alguem que elogie uma roupa diferente que resolvi usar;
Alguem que mostre o quanto realmente me deseja;
Alguem que tenha ao menos um pouco de ciumes;
Alguem que tente cozinhar pra mim mesmo sem nem saber fritar um ovo;
Alguem que fosse a praia comigo para andarmos na areia;
Alguem que saisse pra dançar comigo, mesmo sem gostar muito;
Alguem que goste de rir de coisas bobas;
Alguem que goste de dormir abraçadinho depois de uma noite caliente;
Alguem que seja meu companheiro pra todos os momentos;
Alguem que seja resolvido, já que eu não sou!
Alguem que goste de viver intensamente;
Alguem que queira fazer parte da minha vida;
Alguem que seja mais racional, pra assim eu manter mais meus pés no chão;
Alguem que me ache linda e gostosa, apesar de eu me achar feia e gorda;
Alguem que não se importe com meu ciumes bobo;
Alguem que seja honesto e que não "jogue" comigo;
Alguem que se preocupe comigo e que me dê broncas por não cuidar da minha saúde como deveria;
Alguem que seja otimista;
Alguem que goste de música;
Alguem que tenha grandes planos para o futuro;
Alguem que goste de um bom livro;
Alguem que queira fazer academia comigo, por não querer ser um velho acabado;
Alguem que me traga café na cama ou que goste de receber o mesmo;
Alguem que seja maduro e imaturo quando necessário;


...and your ideal man is imaginative.
You expect concrete evidence of love in your relationships, sentimental talk just doesn't cut it. You like love tokens you can touch, tangible proof of his feelings like cuddles and presents, which make you feel secure. You live in reality, not in a dream world and demand real experiences and real pleasure.
Your ideal partner complements you perfectly, with his capacity for dreaming, he would see a future for you both and come up with ideas and plans. Sensitive, perceptive, even intuitive, he would be able to build a happy little world for you both. Life would never be dull with someone as adept at pulling the rabbit out of the hat as he is!

Your ideal man is also an extrovert.
You would rather spend time at home or at friends' places than outside, whether out on the town or walking in the countryside. You have a tendency to hibernate once winter comes which you know you need to tackle, but you enjoy spending time getting to know yourself better. Your ideal partner complements you with his outgoing nature and social skills. He loves to talk and chat, with a desire to see the world outside his door. Let yourself be carried away with him!

"Veruca Salt - Somebody

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone wholl stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
Hell get my support
He will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
He will hear me out
And wont easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact hell often disagree
But at the end of it all
He will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and with every breath
Someone wholl help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I dont want to be tied
To anyones strings
Im carefully trying to steer clear
Of those things
But when Im asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
And things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
Ill get away with it"

Yesterday I watched a TV Show that made me think a little...
I am a very closed person, I used to have a lot problems to show my feelings to other people, even to those who are very close to me...

Sometimes I see girls kissing their fathers on the cheek right before they jump off their cars...or sometimes I see them telling their fathers that they love them...I usually look down and sigh, because I can't do that...I always have something inside me that keeps me from showing him how I feel...and even my mother, who is a very sweet person...I always seem to try to avoid any kinds of contact...but that's not what I want...everytime my mother says something nice to me and I ignore, it's not really what I want...because inside I'm thinking "I love you too", I'm always struggling against it...but I just can't say it...when I see a girl hugging her father, I think "I wish it was me doing that"...I always ignore my wishes, own thoughts and move on...but I know I shouldn't...because we don't know what expects us tomorrow...It terrifies me to think that one day my parents will die on a sudden death and I'll live the rest of my life with this frustration, with this thought that I should have done so many things and I didn't, that I should have said so much and I didn't...and why? For nothing...

I want to change, what about you?
What's the point in living with grudges, with pride, with sadness? Why is it so important who takes the first step? Why is it so important whose fault it is? It doesn't matter...life is tricky...sometimes we think "No, I'll torture them for one more day...maybe I'll fix it tomorrow"', but remember, tomorrow may be too late...and then you will wake up everyday thinking "What if"...

I really wished I meant a lot to someone, you know when you wake up in the morning wondering if there's anyone thinking about you? If there's anyone sighing because of you? 
For many times in my past I went after someone and showed how I felt about them...for many times I wrote big emails and letters with beautiful and meaningful words...but not once I had an email written for me...I always wondered how it felt to log on your account and feel surprised when you see that someone remembered you...even if it's just a friend who you hadn't seen for a long time or a long lost love...with whom you wished to talk again for inumerous times but fate made it impossible...

I always wanted to be loved and needed by a person, I always wanted to know how it feels like to be needed by someone...to answer your phone and smile because someone "requested" your presence...because someone said "I need to hug you, because your hug makes me feel better"...can you tell me, how does it feel like?
I'm always the chaser, but never the chased...I always cared too much to tell everyone how much I need them or how much I want them...but what do I have to do to feel loved, needed, wanted? Am I wrong to wish for these feelings? Will I never have the sensation of being important in someone else's life? Or do I have to understand that no one is ever going to be like me and that I have to live life with what it gives me?

Sometimes I log on my emails...and I sigh disappointed because one more time, there is nothing there for me...for one more day, no one remembered me...no one thought of me...no one missed me or loved me...

But, this is me....I feel empty and lost if I'm not in love...as crazy as it may sound...

Answering the last post's question: It was a coincidence...period

This is going to be a week full of stress, fears and truths...

I was discussing "fate" with my sister a few days ago...and it's interesting to think that some things simply seem to be meant for us...did you ever stop to ask "Why" sometimes? Why you and that girl are best friends or why you are in that certain job, why did you meet that specific person who you call love? Some people say that everything in our lives has a meaning...that nothing is a simple coincidence...is it really true?
I have been dating a guy for a little more than 2 months..one day we were talking about our lives and we found out we studied in the same school during high school, and we are the same age so, that means we studied in the same school during the same years, so maybe we ran into each other many times, maybe we smiled at each other many times...maybe one day he sat by my side during the break or maybe we even talked a few times, who knows...and all that happened about 10 years ago...between 1999 and 2001...but that isn't the end of the story...a few years later, 2006 to be more specific, we studied in the same college too - pause to think - and he was always very good friends with my sister...I don't recall talking to him at all, but I'm pretty sure we ran into each other many times, since I was always waiting for my sister or something...but 2006 was my laster year in college...and it was his first...I graduated in the end of the year and after that, I never went there again...but then...3 years after I graduated, my sister decides to introduce us...one day she suddenly came to me saying "Hey, I have a friend that I think you'd like to meet..." and then we met...and well, we are together now...
I know maybe it's just a stupid story, but it's also rather interesting, at least I think so...I mean, what are the odds? There are thousands of schools out there and he didn't even live anywhere near the school we studied during high school...and colleges? There are so many...the one I studied is not even a very famous college, so it's really funny how we always ended up in the same places...maybe there are even more stories that we probably don't know about yet...maybe someady we'll talk about our lives again and we'll laugh about other "coincidences"...who knows...but it seems that our paths were really trying to "connect" in a very long time, you know? But it's like something was always in the way avoiding it from happening...maybe it just wasn't the right time, maybe we had to meet now and not 10 years ago...it might be nothing, it might really be just a coincidence...I guess we can never really know...